


Am I Okay?

by goufa



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, idek why i made this guess i needed to vent, made prior to episode 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-26 01:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20035525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goufa/pseuds/goufa
Summary: Anxiety attack. Comforting friends. Realization, a few beginnings, and a few ends.





	Am I Okay?

**Author's Note:**

> may have some triggering themes: anxiety/mental illness, drug abuse
> 
> i wrote this right after watching episode four... i kind of wrote this as a vent oneshot? idk, but it feels very different writing about a show as complex as euphoria and its characters. i hope you guys enjoy and feedback is appreciated.

"Fuck," Rue mutters. She sits up on the bed and shoves her hands in her pocket before taking them out again, not sure what to do with them. The room is spinning- _wait no_, her head is spinning so quickly that she can't focus on anything. She has to pull her bottom lip into her mouth and bite on it in order to keep from screaming out in frustration. Even though she's not sure what there is to be frustrated about. Her life is enough to be upset about, she guesses.

Rue has spent the last thirty minutes bawled up in her bed, shifting around, and thinking about everything ranging from what she had for breakfast to that birthday present she got when she was eight that she was attached to for years until someone from school stole it. Trying to sleep doesn't work, she just thinks of twenty more reasons to stay awake. Like her back pain, how annoyed she is, and being perplexed about the fact that she feels exhausted to the point that she might fall out if she gets up but not being able to keep still either. God, why is her body being so annoying right now?

On top of that, she can't stop checking her phone. She's not sure why- it's not like anyone she wants to talk to is hitting her up. By anyone she wants to talk to, she means Jules, by the way. Jules was supposed to come by earlier but canceled on Rue last minute, which sucks, and Rue is kind of worried. But then again it's Jules. So there's kind of no need to worry but at the same time _every _reason to worry.

Jules might just be the death of her.

Rue decides to text her best friend, hoping she responds. She never responded to her last ten texts asking if she's okay, so maybe she'll reply to one about Rue's mental state.

** _Rue:_ ** _ think im having anxiety attack. need u_

** _Rue: _ ** _can u come over? or can i come over?_

No reply. Rue sighs, crossing her legs. She pulls her lip into her mouth again, wondering if she has anything left in her stash. A blunt at least would be nice right now. It's times like these she regrets throwing everything away for Jules.

She forces herself to wait a few more minutes before checking her phone again. Still no reply. Rue furrows her eyebrows and rolls her eyes, texting Jules again. Did she miss the "I need you" part or what?

** _Rue:_ ** _ hello?_

Rue starts to feel really warm and takes a deep breath, trying to swallow whatever anxiety her mind keeps throwing at her. She hasn't been this bad in a while. Not while she was on the drugs. But she's sober now- three weeks to be exact- and she's not used to handling her anxiety without pills. Not used to not feeling numb or mellowed out.

If she lets herself spiral into a panic attack she's not sure she'll make it out of it.

"Shit, shit, shit."

Her head is spinning again and she has flop back onto the bed to keep from falling over. She scrambles for her phone and messages the only other person she can think of to help her right now.

** _Rue:_ ** _ having bad attack. can u come over?_

Ten minutes after zoning out and listening to her heartbeat, Rue hears a light knocking on her window. She jumps up, part of her hoping that it's Jules and she can't help but feel bad when her face drops when she notices that it's Lexi.

"Hey, come in," Rue holds her hands out for Lexi to help her through the window and notices how Lexi holds on a second too long after she's safely inside. "Thanks for, uh, coming."

"Are you kidding? I wasn't going to leave you hanging while you're having an episode," Lexi shoves Rue playfully and Rue laughs, glad to have Lexi by her side even after all of the shit she has put her through.

It's quiet for a minute and they both take a seat on Rue's bed, facing each other. "Even though I'm sure I wasn't your first choice..."

Rue chuckles nervously and rubs at her nose, looking away in avoidance. Lexi isn't wrong... Jules is always Rue's first choice. Always.

Which sucks, because Rue is not sure Jules can say the say for her. She claims to be her best friend yet she's nowhere to be found when Rue needs her the most.

The truth is, Jules is caught up in drama with Nate Jacobs again. Nate has been giving her hell since she got to town, but after he managed to catfish her and had Jules send him nudes... well let's just say Jules isn't going to hesitate on doing something for him if that means her pictures won't get leaked.. or reported. It's complicated.

It's not like she could just tell Rue this, though. Rue claims that nothing Jules does will ever make her upset, but the blonde is not convinced that that's true. She's sure if she explains that she was/is kinda in love with Nate and now he's trying to destroy her life Rue will be more than upset. Mostly at Nate, but that's exactly why Jules doesn't want her to be upset. Who knows what Rue would do, especially with knowing other secrets about Nate's family, like how his dad is a pervert. There's no need to drag Rue into her mess. They already have enough of their own mess. Like how Rue is totally in love with Jules but Jules isn't sure how she feels and Rue is still early in recovery and... yeah, it's a lot.

Jules hasn't seen Rue's messages yet- she's too busy trying to figure out how to turn this situation around so that her life doesn't fall apart that she hasn't even checked her phone. Nate is demanding that she meets with him in ten minutes, so that gives her ten minutes to think.

...

"Feel better?"

"Much," Rue smiles and nudges Lexi. Lexi meets her smile and locks her phone, tossing it to the side.

"Good. Remember those mechanisms next time you start to feel anxious, okay? The counting one seemed to work pretty well," She points out. Rue's smile falters a little bit when she thinks about how she used to count the ceiling and floor tiles when she was younger and would always get interrupted. She used to cry so hard when she wasn't able to reach one hundred because her mom kept distracting her. So young to be feeling such defeat and frustration.

"Yeah, I used to do something like that when I was little. Kinda weird to think that I did it 'cause of how my brain is wired. Like, who the fuck would even think about being anxious and unable to focus and all that at five years old? I mean, I didn't realize it or anything, but still. It's just- It's just weird. I can't believe this is my life," Rue rambles, chuckling humorlessly.

Lexi examines her face, hands crossed over her stomach. Her and Rue are laying on the bed and Rue is staring at the ceiling but Lexi can't help but stare at her.

"Well, we all do 'weird' shit sometimes," She quotes with her fingers.

"Like that time we made out?"

"Huh?" Lexi glues her eyes to the ceiling faster than Rue can turn her head to look at her and her face heats up like a skillet on high heat. She opens her mouth so say something but honestly isn't sure how to respond.

"Remember, I was teaching you how to french kiss? You asked me if it was like, super weird, or some shit. It wasn't for me, but I'm assuming it was for you..." Rue waits for Lexi to respond even though she's technically not asking a question. They both know Lexi ran away because she wasn't feeling the kiss. It's whatever, Lexi can just admit it.

"It wasn't!" Lexi defends a little too quickly. "I mean, it was different. I don't usually make out with my best friends."

"It was just a kiss. Plus you asked." Rue points out.

"... I liked it." Lexi confesses, looking anywhere but at Rue. Rue is silent, not following the bomb Lexi just dropped on her. She shakes her head in disbelief after a moment, realizing what she just said.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah," Lexi doesn't repeat herself. She's bold enough to glance at Rue again, who never stopped looking at her.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Lexi shrugs. "Would it have mattered? Does it matter?"

Rue shrugs her shoulders too and looks towards the ceiling again. "Maybe."

"Are you in love with Jules?"

The question should phase Rue- if anyone else was asking and if she wasn't coming down from an anxiety attack it would, but it doesn't. She looks at Lexi again and bites her lip, examining her face.

"I think so. Yeah. Why?"

Lexi bites her lip too, eyes dropping to Rue's tongue that glides across her bottom lip so quickly she almost missed it. She would've if she wasn't so focused on the girl in front of her.

"Are you guys together?"

Rue thinks about how Jules has been distancing herself lately. She probably thinks Rue hasn't noticed, but she has. Like when Rue asked to stay over Jules's house a few days ago and she hesitated. Like when every time Rue tries to bring up what's going on between them, Jules brushes it off or something. It's little shit. But Rue notices.

"No. Not officially or anything. I don't know." _But we should be_, she thinks to herself.

"Oh," Lexi nods.

It's quiet for a moment, and then Lexi leans in to kiss Rue. She doesn't pull away. Instead, she kisses Lexi back and leans into her hands when Lexi cups her face. Sparks don't fly and wings don't appear on Lexi's back like how they do when Rue kisses Jules, but it's nice. It's enough. Lexi breaks the kiss and analyzes Rue's face.

"Sorry."

"I liked it." Rue uses the same line Lexi used earlier. She grins and grabs Rue's hand, entwining their fingers.

"I know you're in love with Jules and that's not going to change. But I've liked you for a long time, you know." Lexi admits, smiling down at their hands. She's looking at them so she doesn't have to look at Rue. She notices how short her nails are.

"I didn't know that, actually."

Lexi side-eyes Rue. "Then you're oblivious as hell. Or I'm really good at hiding how I feel. Maybe both."

"I don't know why. Or how." Rue shakes her head. She notices the confused look on Lexi's face and clears her throat, shifting a bit. "How you could still like me. After everything I've put you through and all the shit you've seen."

"Yeah, well," Lexi leans closer to Rue and kisses her cheek. "I like you for you, Rue. I know you're stronger than everything you've been through. I've seen the bad and the good, and I think the good is worth sticking around for."

Rue looks down, focusing on their hands because she knows if she looks at Lexi she'll cry. She tries to hold her tears in, she even tries to put her tongue on the roof of her mouth but when Lexi's thumb rubs her hand she cracks.

"I don't know what I've done to deserve you, Lexi."

...

Nate hands Jules a flash drive.

"This has your pictures on it, and the video my father recorded."

Jules is silent. Nate waves the USB around, "Are you gonna take it, or not?"

"Why does this feel like a setup?" She wonders aloud after taking the drive. "Why are you doing this?"

Nate shrugs, staring at Jules. She can't read his expression, she just remembers how Rue called Nate dangerous. She's definitely right. Dangerous and scary. Especially after hearing about how he choked Maddy.

"Okay... Well thanks, I have to go."

Jules hops onto her bike faster than ever before, peddling away at superhuman speed. Once she's a safe distance away from the lake she pulls out her phone and goes to message Rue when she sees her messages.

"Shit."

...

"It's eleven. I should go."

"Oh, okay, yeah. It's getting late. I'll see you at school?"

"Yeah," Lexi smiles, pulling Rue into a hug. "Goodnight, Rue."

"Goodnight," Rue gives her a small wave and helps her exit safely. She watches her bike away and lays down once she's gone, thinking about how eventful her night as been. Rue's finally able to fall asleep when not even twenty minutes later she hears a crash and jumps up, grabbing a hangar from the floor.

"Stay back!" She whisper-shouts, turning around swiftly. Her face drops when she sees that it's just Jules. "Oh." She drops her hangar. "Still, stay back."

Jules sighs and steps forward anyway, plopping down on the bed. "Rue, look, I'm sorry. I swear to god I didn't see your messages until like, ten minutes ago. I got here as fast as I could. I'm so sorry."

Rue stares at her, glaring. Jules reaches over to grab her hands and pulls her down on the bed with her. Rue crosses her arms and Jules pulls her into a hug, cusping her face and showering her face with kisses until Rue wraps her arms around her. She cradles her in her arms and guides her head into her lap, playing with her hair until she feels her body relax.

"Are you okay?" Jules whispers, peering down at Rue. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I hope your attack wasn't too bad."

"Eh," Rue shrugs her shoulders. "Lexi came over. She helped me calm down."

"That's good," Jules smiles lightly, lost in thought.

"I was worried about you. Where were you?" Rue shifts herself so that she can face Jules who continues to play in her hair.

"At the lake." She stops her hand.

Rue stares at her blankly. "The same lake where you met Tyler who you said doesn't even look like Tyler?" Jules is silent. "Were you meeting him again?"

"Does it matter?"

Rue feels like her body might explode at any second and she shifts, hoping she can just relax. It's quiet again so all she can hear is the sound of her labored breathing and it's driving her insane. Her eyes widen and Jules notices and continues to play in her hair.

Rue relaxes but her jaw clenches and then unclenches. Does it matter? Well, yeah. Maybe because Rue thought they were moving past this Tyler dude. Maybe because Rue is just a fucking rebound to Jules. It's quiet for a few minutes and Jules starts to think Rue fell asleep but then she feels something warm on her lap and realizes that Rue is crying.

"Kind of," Rue states, tight-lipped and sits up so that she's sitting next to Jules. "He hurt you. Literally catfished you. Are you still in love with him or something?"

"Well, love doesn't just go away overnight Rue. Not even when someone hurts you."

"Yeah, I'm starting to realize that," She looks Jules up and down and then her eyes find something to focus on the other side of the room.

"Oh, c'mon," Jules grabs her hand, squeezing it lightly. "I love you, Rue. You know that right?"

Rue laughs. Literally laughs out fucking loud. "You don't love me, Jules."

"I do."

"Not like I love you. Admit it, you don't even wanna be with me. Why are you sticking around then, huh? Cause you don't want me to fucking relapse?"

"Rue..." Jules pulls her hand away, furrowing her brows. "Why are you being like this?"

"I'm in love with you Jules and you don't feel the same way. I can tell. You're literally all I want but all I am to you is a fucking rebound. I got fucking sober for you!"

"I never asked you to do that, Rue! God, do you even realize how it makes me feel every time someone tells me you're better because of me? Not proud, or happy, or at peace. It makes me fucking scared for my life. Because you never know what can happen or when shit can go down and I don't wanna be the one responsible-"

"- Are you going to leave me?" Rue interrupts Jules and the pout on her face makes Jule's heart literally melt. How could she ever leave Rue?

"W-what?" Jules takes Rue's face in both of her hands and shakes her head. "Rue, I don't ever want to leave you. Or hurt you. Or make you hate me, or anything. I don't ever wanna be the reason why you're crying," She wipes her tears and kisses her cheeks where the tears previously were.

"I have feelings for you. I'm still getting over Tyler, the person I talked to for weeks and thought was real. But he's not. You are, though. I'm not in love with you right now, Rue, but who's to say I won't be?"

Rue doesn't say anything, she just watches as Jules keeps wiping at her tears.

"Lexi and I kissed," She confesses. She's not sure why she's telling Jules.

Jules nods her head, "Okay. I kind of knew she had a thing for you." She giggles. "Do you like her?"

"I don't know," Rue places her hands over Jules. "It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters but you. It's fucking scary."

"Yeah, it is."

It's quiet again for a few minutes and Jules leans forward to peck Rue on the lips. "I like Lexi for you."

"Did you just break up with me without breaking up with me?"

"No," Jules laughs. "But if we don't figure things out, I like her for you." Rue leans away from Jules so that they're just sitting across from each other.

"You think we can?"

"Yeah. I do. But I need you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"I need you to get better for yourself. If anything happens I need to know you won't relapse because of me. I don't think we should be _together_ together until you're sober because you want to be. Is that fair?"

Rue gulps and thinks about what Jules is saying. If she wants to want until Rue is sober because she wants to be, she might be waiting a while. But... she's right. Rue knows that if they're going to be together right now it will be a toxic mess full of heightened emotions, relapses, and arguments. She wants something real with Jules. Something stable.

"Okay. That's fair." Rue sighs and lays down, pulling Jules down with her. "You probably won't even want me by then."

"Or I'll want you more than ever," Jules smiles.

"Yeah, yeah. Just promise me you're not going anywhere whether it works out or not?"

"I promise. You're my best friend, Rue. I love you." Jules gives Rue an eskimo kiss.

Rue smiles and snuggles into her best friend, letting her body relax again. Jules starts to play in hair once more, knowing Rue will be asleep within minutes. Rue's okay with waiting for Jules. She's okay with focusing on herself for awhile. She's okay.

"I love you."


End file.
